Unfortunately...

As revelatory and fun my birthday was on Tuesday, Wednesday was a completely opposite story. All the sparkles, glitter and rainbows from the 12th were replaced by some tough realities on the 13th. Probably the crappiest day I've had in a while.

I dont want to get into details of what happened yesterday, but all I can say is that I'm tired. Tired of trying to do or to be what everyone else thinks I should do or be. I'm even tired of myself, trying to become what I think I should be. Because unfortunately many times who you think you should be is often inextricably attached to what you think people think of you. Does that make any sense? Its like taking those quizzes like uhh..... "WHAT KIND OF FLIRT ARE YOU??" and only picking the "B)" responses because you know in the end, "B)" r that will make you look like "Congratulations, youre a Super Sexy Flirt!!". But in reality, youre a mixture of the "A", "B" and "C" responses, which leaves you with: "Congratulations, You're a Send-Men-Running-and-Screaming type of Flirt!!" or maybe, "Congratulations!! Youre a Coldhearted-Prudish-Gamekiller type of Flirt!!" No one wants people to think of themselves as one of the last two answers.

I'm not the type to quit, but this time around, I give up on trying. I'm folding. Theres no amount of fighting or trying that I can do to change certain things. For certain people, no amount of doing or trying on my part will please them. Theres no amount of conformity or rebellion that will do it, because in either case, I'm accepting that there is a standard, or a point or a level that I should be at. So the choice is to either conform to that standard, or rebel against it. I've done both......and...I'm tired. So I'm going to fall back...and just be.